A Beautiful Mess

Flawed and Fearless.

If you told me even two years ago that I would be a mother, I would have laughed in your face. Better yet, if you told me that at twenty eight years old, I would be a SINGLE mom of a nine month old baby boy, I would have admitted you to the psych ward. Seriously. That would have never, even in my wildest dreams, EVER happen to me.

And yet, here I am. I am twenty eight years old, divorced and a mom to a beautiful nine month old baby boy. You could say that that my life certainly did not go as planned. That’s okay. Although, of course it seemed far from okay during the brunt of it.

Nothing made sense. None of it. Not one speck. I played the victim card many times. I threw myself mini pity parties. I wallowed. I felt sorry for myself. I didn’t know why or how this possibly could be happening to me. I played my cards right (or so I thought), I did everything I was “supposed” to do, so why on earth could this possibly be happening to me? It was unfair; all of it, every single piece…and didn’t want any part of it. I basked in denial for months. I was embarrassed and ashamed. There was no way I would ever accept it, none the less speak of it.

And yet, here I am, publicly sharing my journey. My magically crazy, beautifully messy journey. I’m here to share how something so seemingly tragic turned into something so beautiful. I’m here to share with you how Jesus filled all the broken cracks of my heart and opened my eyes to see the beauty through all of the fiery, painful ashes. I’m here to tell you that He was reckless in His pursuit of me. He came in swinging and knocked down walls that I didn’t even know I had. He loved me when others, including myself, felt unlovable. He accepted me and all of my broken pieces. Because of Him, I am beautifully broken, imperfectly perfect, fearlessly flawed.

I am unashamed of my journey and can only hope that some of my painful steps can be used as motivation for others in a similar walk to push though. I have grown so much and so will you. I promise you that. You just have to open your heart to the possibility of it.

You see, growth without pain is impossible. Sometimes our biggest growth spurts happen in moments or seasons of inexplicable pain. We have a choice to sit and wallow on the pain or we can choose to move forward in growth. The first step will seem like your foot is anchored in cement; in fact, the second and third one may feel this way too. That’s okay. Push through it. Even if you are moving an inch and you need to be moving a mile, keep moving. Don’t stop.

Sooner than you think, you’ll look back in awe of the person you have become compared to the person you once were. Not only that, but you will have a new level of respect and appreciation for where you are now. You will see beauty and purpose in your journey. You will take note of the little things. All it takes is one step-one painful step. And sometimes it will get worse before it gets better but it always gets better. It always does. Believe that.

So keep walking. Even when your foot is plastered in cement. Even when waking up and facing another day seems excruciating. You matter. You have a purpose. Your pain has a purpose.

Keep fighting, warrior. You are beautifully broken and fearlessly flawed. You are so loved.

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