I’ve been MIA on this blog for a few weeks. To be completely honest, I’ve been at a loss as to what to write. I thought it was writers block. It wasn’t.
The truth is that I’ve been consumed with negative emotions and so blinded by brokenness around me. “Writers block” happened because I was unhappy with the current state of my heart. Instead of writing freely, I tried to think of what I needed to say. Sometimes we don’t know what to say, we just know how we feel.
Sometimes the biggest contender in our struggle is the attempt to remain perfectly composed when we feel like the walls are around us are crumbling. It’s okay to crumble sometimes. It’s okay to feel pain and anger. Its okay to be confused. It’s okay to break down and have a good cry. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong.
It takes strength to acknowledge your anger, pain, trauma, disappointment and fear. It takes strength to address every piece of your heart; every broken, confused or lost piece and deal with them accordingly. Processing every piece is a never ending process. Want to know why? People are going to hurt you. Struggles are going to happen. Life is hard.
But you know what? I’d rather be an authentic mess than living in a state of consistently comfortable denial. I want to live fiercely and boldly in truth, even when it hurts. When we choose to live in a state of denial, we settle.
I’ve settled before. I’ve settled a lot. Beyond impatience or fear of perception, when I accessed my state of mind during those times, I realized something; Each and every time I’ve settled in my life, it was because I was choosing to dwell in a state of denial.
Settling can feel comfortable and even safe at times. It’s deceiving. It’s alluring. It seems stable and promising. The temporary discomfort or discipline necessary to boldly pursue the unknown can cause us to freeze, step back and ultimately settle for something “safe”.
Let me just tell you something, settling is far from safe. Settling is sneaky dangerous and it’s led me to end up in some pretty painful places. It’s a state of complacency that can cause us to dwell and not actually live. It halts our growth. It robs us of our potential and purpose. We don’t see settling as a form of denial but it’s the very essence of it.
Life can be painful and hard. Part of living fiercely and trusting God is accepting those emotions, processing them and then handing them over. The processing part has been the most frustrating part for me as of recently.
I’m okay knowing the truth, I’d rather know the truth. Always. That’s not the hard part for me. The hard part is being patient enough to process all of the emotions that come with that.
Recently, I said, “Okay God, here you go. Take this away from me! I don’t want to carry it. I’m done.” Well, it hasn’t been that simple and I have been frustrated. I asked Him, “Where are you at, God?”
Now that I’ve accepted that He isn’t just going to flick a switch for me and make me feel better, I kind of jolted out of my self-pity and realized my immediate demands were foolish and also quite arrogant if I’m being honest.
Who am I to tell God that I’m done processing pain? Can He take it away? Yes, but what I do in the meantime is the test. You see? Part of the process is actually processing the emotions. There is no definitive timeline for that. There’s no deadline for it. It’s a process. Anger, pain, confusion; none of those are inherently evil. Experiencing them is a part of life.
How we choose to process those, how we act (or don’t act) upon those emotions are what grow and shape us. Living in truth, choosing to do the right thing, even when it hurts, is confusing or uncomfortable builds integrity. It builds our relationship with Him. That is the true test.
Choose truth, even when it hurts. Denial is deadly. Never, ever settle. You’re a part of something bigger. Be patient in the process. He’s got this.